When a Friend is Being Negative

We’ve all been there…innocently warming up for class and a friend unleashes hatred; onto herself.

She’s looking in the mirror and starts to pick apart her body and appearance. She says her butt has grown since last season or her thighs are clearly bigger.

Is this fishing for compliments? Looking for validation? Perhaps. It’s totally possible she’s just looking for you to tell her she’s fine. Or that she looks the same or better or at least “good”.

It’s also possible that she’s hoping you’ll chime in with some self-loathing of your own. Maybe she’d feel better if you start talking about what has gotten “bigger” or “less toned” on your own body.

This situation is hard to navigate and it’s hard to know what the best way to respond might be. You can watch this video for some ideas, or if you prefer, read on!

Try sharing with your friend how you deal with your own body image insecurities.

For example, try saying, “instead of focusing on a perceived flaw, I try to think about how my body is serving me”. Share how your negativity makes you feel and how you cope with it. That might help her see how to flip things to a positive.

It might also help to let her know how you feel when surrounded by negativity. Let her know that those negative comments make you feel helpless and you’re unsure how to help her turn it around.

You want your friends to be able to talk to you when they’re going through hard times. You might encourage her to come to you for support rather than venting or getting lost in negativity.

This might be a friend you’ll end up needing some space from.

It’s hard to stay positive when you have a friend who’s constantly focused on what’s going wrong. It’s totally acceptable to take space from people who are making it hard for you to live your best life.

Maybe you can help your friend to see the positive. Ask her, “what’s something about your body or your dancing that you love?” Remind her that she’s not alone and that there are also plenty of positives to focus on.

Don’t internalize your friends negativity or project it onto yourself. Don’t compare your body to hers. This is a big one! If a friend is complaining about her body and you view her body as “ideal” it’s normal to get lost in comparison.

When those thoughts come up, put the focus on your gifts and encourage her to do the same. Come back to gratitude. Your body allows you to dance! When you take care of your body and mind, you’ll be able to show up more fully and do your best dancing.

Find the light. Find your positivity. Focus on what’s going well.

Remind yourself what’s going well with a gratitude list. Simply write down 3 things you’re grateful for and remember that you have a lot of good stuff going on in your life. Even in trying, uncertain times it’s possible to find something positive to focus on.

The only person whose approval you need is your own.

When you approve of yourself, your confidence will soar!

In Conclusion…

Everyone is on their own journey. Each of us has to learn life lessons on our own. As much as you might be focused on the positive side of life, you can’t force your friend to do the same. If you’re committed to growing and improving as a dancer, maintaining body positivity will be a game changer.

One of the biggest things dancers struggle with is confidence. If you can work towards body positivity and remind yourself about what’s going well, you’ll have the potential to grow your confidence exponentially. Don’t discount the value of seeing your own worth.

If you’re struggling to stay body positive, check out this post: How to Create a Positive Relationship with Food and Your Body

The post How to Stay Body Positive in Dance appeared first on The Whole Dancer.

Stop Dieting. Do this instead.

One of the challenges you might face is the desire to reach a body goal by a deadline. Sometimes there’s an impending audition or performance that you’d like to be thinner (or more toned, or “have longer lines”) for. So you try a diet – maybe you calorie count or count macros, or try WW, Atkins, Whole30, Cabbage soup, the list honestly goes on and on and on and on.

You’ll possibly see a change if you stick to one of these plans for a couple weeks or a month. And that progress can be a great motivator, but what comes next? Usually, there’s some sort of backslide. This can come in the form of a single binge or weeks of eating off the handle. Even if you don’t go to an opposite extreme, if the “diet” you were following was somewhat restrictive, when you start eating normally again, you’ll likely regain the weight you lost (or more).

This is the whole idea of “yo-yo” dieting which sounds a lot cuter than it actually is. It’s not healthy for your weight to be constantly fluctuating up and down. It’s not great for you physically, and possibly even more importantly, it’s not great for you emotionally. Dealing with those body changes and inconsistencies is exhausting – trust me, I was stuck in the “yo-yo” (definitely not cute) for over a decade.

So instead of dieting, what’s the solution?

First, look at where you are as a dancer. Are you bringing your best energy and attitude to class? Do you show up ready to perform and receive notes and feedback openly at rehearsals? What’s your level of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment in dance AND life?

If any of those things are out of whack – that’s your starting point. If you don’t address those things and instead put the focus on your body, food, and weight, you’re ignoring the areas that really need attention.

Food is a great distraction and so are diets. They’re something for us to sink our emotions into so that we don’t have to face what we’re actually feeling. Maybe your passion for dance has been waning, or you’re not feeling supported in your current dance environment. What can you do to address those things now?

Prioritize your happiness.

It needs to be the #1 focus. How’s your level of happiness? Think about how you feel in your day-to-day life. Are you enjoying your dancing? School? Meals? Time with friends?

If you’re feeling genuinely happy, and you’re approaching dance, life, and your body with a positive mindset, then yes, it might be an ok time to start working on some food shifts. If the life basics and level of happiness are lacking – start there. Trying to make body progress or achieve body goals becomes 1000x more challenging if you’re not attacking those things from a positive place.

Cultivate confidence in your body now.

The body you’re in might actually be your best body. Sometimes when I start working with a dancer, it becomes quite clear that the body they’re in is actually a wonderful vehicle for a dance career. Nothing needs to change physically. They’ve just convinced themselves for years that losing weight was the answer.

Maybe they’ve gotten those messages from teachers or artistic staff. It’s also possible they came to those conclusions based on what they observed in dance. However they arrived at that end, the mental piece is what needs support.

It takes some mental retraining to accept your body exactly where it is. Dance teaches you to see what’s wrong, what needs to change, or improve. Whenever the negative body thoughts come up, I want you to switch them to positives. In addition to that, each morning write down 3 things you’re grateful for, specifically concerning your body.

But still – no diets. Seriously, it’s time to stop dieting.

Here’s a better approach: work one-on-one with someone or go through a program that will guide you in figuring out the food that really works for your body. You’ll focus on adding more food that supports your dancing and finding balance with indulgences.

As boring as it sounds, making incremental changes to deeply ingrained habits is going to have a lot more benefit for the long term than anything else. It’s tough to tell yourself, “I’ve got to take this slow” when you look in the mirror and aren’t thrilled with what you see. Still, do your best to take it slow. Dieting is exhausting, draining, and dangerous. Stop dieting.

If you’re dancing professionally, and your job is being threatened because of where you are physically, I’d urge you to ask yourself how you feel about your body before jumping to extremes. If you feel good, maybe the answer is looking for other jobs. Easy solution? No. Healthy solution? Yes.

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Break up with those dieting and weight loss resolutions. Just say g’bye. More than 95% of the time they lead to feelings of disappointment and failure.

A few months into a new year and you’re suddenly left feeling like you have no self control, you can’t commit, and the fresh start you were so excited for is ruined. Another year of failure.

Rather than go down that path again, make a new deal with yourself. New year, new deal. Let’s make 2020 the year that you support your body and your dancing with healthy choices.

If you started making resolutions around your body or appearance years ago, ask yourself now, “how did those resolutions go?” and “how did they make me feel?”

I’d bet that you weren’t left feeling great. Maybe you were on a brief high imagining yourself slimmer or more toned, or with Isabella Boylston’s body.

The reality is that attaining those physical outcomes alone isn’t going to make you happy. Or make you a better dancer.

To reach your best body the #1 thing that needs to shift is any negativity you have towards your body. If you’re in a place of self-hate you’ll struggle to make any positive changes.

Moving forward, here are some concrete ways you can support yourself in reaching body goals in a lasting way. Let’s move past those temporary successes.

Having been through the ups and downs of weight and body image, I know how disappointing it is. You’re consistently tearing yourself down. It’s exhausting.

For lasting body change:

MINDSET FIRST

Get on the positive self-talk train. See that person staring back at you in the mirror? You’ll be with her for the rest of your life. She deserves love. Unconditional love.

Give yourself daily reminders (actually remind yourself multiple times throughout the day) just how worthy and wonderful you are.

For 2020, pick a simple mantra that you can repeat throughout your days ie “I am worthy of love”, “I am a hard-working and dedicated dancer”, “My body is amazing”, “I am capable of achieving all my goals and dreams.”

By getting the mindset right, you’ll be able to move towards your goals with less stress.

BE A FOOD SCIENTIST

No, I don’t want you mixing weird potions, magic drinks or taking pills to reach your goals…but you have to experiment! Here are some examples:

Give up dairy for a couple weeks and take note of how you feel.

Adjust the macronutrient (carbs, protein, fat) balance of your meals for a couple weeks and take note of how you feel.

Write down your meals for a couple days then look back at what you’ve eaten. Could you use more green vegetables? What about adding more complex carbs for energy? Is your diet lacking healthy fats?

Take a step back to see what’s missing or what might be slowing your progress. Adjust as needed.

For 2020, commit to finding the way of eating that works best for your body. What foods help you to stay energetic, strong and injury free? Discover the answers and you’ll be able to adapt to the changes of life and dance while maintaining your personal best body.

IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIPS

Your relationship with food…it seems silly but this is something we establish from a young age. Was food looked at as a treat or reward? Did you start restricting or looking at foods as “good” or “bad” from a young age? This relationship need to be unpacked to improve.

Your relationship with your body…maybe someone said something to you directly. Or, you might have gotten general advice to improve “tone” or be “smaller”. It’s even possible you’ve just been influenced by social media and other dancers. Sometimes it feels like the thinnest dancers are the most celebrated.

Whatever the influences, it’s time to adjust your thinking around your body from negative to positive. When you start to acknowledge and thank your body for all that it does (hello, dancing!) you’ll be in a place to move towards goals healthfully.

For 2020, prioritize a positive relationship with food and your body. No foods are bad and none should be completely off limits all the time. By allowing all foods, you’ll never be tempted to binge or overeat. Work on body love wherever you are on your journey.

IN CONCLUSION

Don’t let 2020 be another year of unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment. Use it as a positive turning point. How can you support yourself? What resources can support you? A New Year can be a vehicle for positive change.

Rather than setting diet or weight loss goals that lead to disappointment, think about ways to shift your thinking towards strong, confident dancing.

If you’re ready to make an investment in yourself and reach your body goals in a positive, healthy way check out The Dancer’s Best Body Program. This program was designed to take you through the process of self discovery (food, body, mindset) that leads to lasting body change. Enrollment opens in January, click here for details and to join the waitlist.

Photo by Natasha Spencer on Unsplash

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Here at The Whole Dancer, the most popular program I offer is called The Dancer’s “Best Body” Program.

In the past, I’ve gotten some flack for the ways I’ve promoted or shared the details of this program. Some have criticized the terminology I’ve used or the way I’ve positioned it.

Let me be clear – I am an advocate for body positivity.

I’d love for you to be perfectly satisfied with your body, as it is, exactly in this moment.

However, I’m also a dancer so I know the difficulty you might be facing in that acceptance of yourself. I have been there big time. That’s why one of the number 1 goals of The Dancer’s Best Body Program is to support you in cultivating self-love wherever you are on your journey.

Miami City Ballet Dancer, Lauren Fadeley Veyette recently shared that even after years of success in dance she still struggles to remain body positive. She shared, “Staring at a mirror 6 hours a day can do numbers on how you perceive yourself, but I try to remember how fortunate I am that I have a strong body that enables me to dance and do what I love. With food, I try to think of it as the fuel needed to perform and how it makes my body feel.”

This program works to support you in practicing that positive mindset. You can also find the balanced relationship with food that Lauren works on herself.

When I say “best body” it’s about how you feel.

You might have goals to lose weight (or not). You might have goals to improve muscle tone (or not). This program can provide the tools to help you achieve those goals (or not). Maybe for you the work is all internal and has little to do with how you actually look. Instead, the work has to do with how you feel about how you look.

If you are struggling with body confidence because you’ve gotten feedback that you should “lose weight” or “tone up.” Or, if you’ve had that feedback delivered in a more aggressive way – jobs or scholarships threatened, The Dancer’s Best Body Program can support you in moving past that pain.

Bottom Line:

What “best body” means is entirely up to you. You get to define it. It doesn’t mean smaller or skinnier or disordered. It’s where you’re dancing your best, most confident, happiest and healthiest. So tell me in the comments (or send me an email), what does “best body” mean to YOU?

Photo by David Hofmann via Unsplash

The post What I mean by “best body” appeared first on The Whole Dancer.

Since the start of The Whole Dancer we’ve had a Holiday Giveaway and as The Whole Dancer has grown, so has the giveaway!! This year it’s the biggest yet with prizes from some of our favorite dance brands. You can enter the giveaway through Tuesday, December 18, 2018 and winners will be chosen and notified by the 20th!!

Each of these brands is inspired by The Whole Dancer focus on health, positive mindset and positive body image and they hope to support you in feeling your best as you pursue dance. The giveaway is open to dancers 18 and older (if you’re under 18 a parent can enter for you)!! Good luck! XO, Jess

Scroll to the bottom to enter – note : There are 2 separate entry forms 1 for the girls and one for the guys. Though everyone is welcome to enter both!

Eleve Dancewear

Former Kansas City Ballet Dancer Lisa Choules started making leotards for herself when she wasn’t satisfied with the leotard options available.  Cue the creation of Eleve Dancewear. Ms. Choules creates leotards that fit well, inspire creativity, and make you feel confident stepping into the studio.

Eleve has one of the largest collections of colors, prints (so many floral prints), and mesh fabrics available to create your dream leotard.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a $100 gift certificate to create their own custom Eleve leotard!!

You can visit their website elevedancewear.com or on Instagram @elevedancewear and @eleveboutique to see all of their Ready-to-Wear and Custom leotard options (as well as skirts).

Taylored Dancewear

The Whole Dancer Inter, Jessie found Taylored Dancewear on Instagram through a friend and she was leotard smitten (it proved that like most dancers she has a leotard addiction). Created in 2016 by Alyssa Taylor, Taylored Dancewear creates leotards with fun unique prints such as rainbows, comic book exclamations (like KAPOW!), elephants, floral, and more. She currently has limited holiday prints of snowmen, peppermint, black lace, and glitter mesh.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a custom leotard from Taylored Dancewear.

You can find Taylored Dancewear on Etsy

http://www.etsy.com/shop/TayloredDancewear

or on Instagram @tayloreddancewear.

Deca Design Co.

Dancer Erin Quigley designs gorgeous earrings available on Etsy. Her creations are creative without being over the top and the pair of earrings we’re giving away are the perfect size for auditions.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a pair of Katie Small Hoops designed to her specifications.

You can find Deca Design Co. on Etsy:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DecaDesignCo

Or on Instagram @decadesignco

Solu

In 2017, Pacific Northwest Ballet power couple Lindsi Dec and Karel Cruz created Solu. The goal of Solu is to create dancewear that dancers can feel balanced, work hard, and be positive in. They currently offer five leotard styles, unisex tights, vitality shirt (a scoop neck shirt you can wear three different ways), and a warm-up jacket. You know it’s a smash hit when PNB dancers are showing off their Solu in rehearsal photos and videos on Instagram.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a Color Block Leotard (pictured above) in the size of their choice.  

You can visit their website at wearsolu.com or on Instagram @wearsolu to see their dancewear options.

Apolla Performance Wear

We are very excited to have Apolla Performance Wear be a part of our giveaway again. Apolla Performance Wear has become the go to sock in the dance world.  The Whole Dancer did a review of their shocks earlier this year: Check it out here!

“Apolla Shocks are the only footwear for dancers that provides Arch support, Ankle stability, energy Absorption (our 3 A’s) and our customizable traction. Our targeted compression for key insertion points of the feet help to lift, support, and remove inflammation.”

They now offer five different types of shocks and recently released their legwarmer with compression: the K-Warmer.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a pair of shocks and a mesh bag from Apolla Performance Wear.

You can visit their website at apollaperformance.com or on Instagram @apollaperformance to see all of their shock options.

Yumiko

Created in 2002 by Yumiko Takashima, Yumiko Dancewear is the dancewear company that started the customizable leotard sensation. They have boutiques in New York City, Berlin, and Tokyo, as well as a worldwide network of YumiGirls and YumiGuys.

In September, they released two new leotard designs: the Daria and the Zoe, as well as legwarmers. The New York and Berlin boutiques now offer a color bar, samples of every fabric available to create a better leotard customization experience.

• One follower of The Whole Dancer will win a Yumiko Holiday Collection Leotard in the size of their choice and a Yumiko limited edition Happy Holidays Tote.

You can visit their website at yumiko.com or on Instagram @yumiko

Cloud & Victory

I had the pleasure of connecting with Min of Cloud & Victory for a little interview, check that out here. This opportunity to connect took me from a fan of Cloud & Victory to a die hard. There’s a positive message and some needed levity for the ballet world.

• Min has graciously provided an “I like big battus” T for one of the winners of our holiday giveaway!!

Find C&V online here : https://www.cloudandvictory.com/ or on instagram @cloudandvictory

ENTER TO WIN

a Rafflecopter giveaway

For the giveaway I didn’t want the guys to feel left out. So I got very excited when I found Boys Dance Too. It’s an online dancewear retailer that focuses on menswear. It has several brands such as Body Wrappers, Capezio, M Stevens and more.

• One giveaway winner will receive their Boys Dance Too Black dance bag. You can follow them on Instagram @boysdancetoo or check out their website www.boysdancetoo.com.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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The end of December brings that time of year where you sing that song about remembering or forgetting people and start thinking about your New Year’s Resolution. What bad habit do you want to get rid of? What good habits would you like to make a part of your daily or weekly routine? This usually depends on what type of resolution person you are.

Do you actively seek out/work on your goal or do you loose steam by March?  Or even worse, do you not even bother to make one at all?

There are so many different types of goals you can have as a dancer: get your first paid company position, switch companies, get into college or a pre-professional program, fix an aspect of your technique, eat healthier.

Last year my resolution was to find a change. I didn’t exactly know what that entailed, but I knew I wasn’t happy with where I was dancing. I hated the rep I was dancing, I was not being pushed to improve my technique or my artistry, and I was often under rehearsed to the point where I had outside teachers clean my variations.

I knew I needed a change, a positive environment that was going to help me grow as a dancer.

I think everyone should strive to thrive in a positive environment for their New Year’s Resolution. It’s a goal that can either be small and very easy to reach or a bigger more long-term goal.  Here are some tips to finding a more positive place.

Know what you’re not willing to put up with

Many people have a list of deal-breakers they are not willing to put up with when they are dating. It should be the same for where you dance or work. Know what working conditions drive you crazy or even hurt your well-being.

List positive elements of past experiences

Don’t fix what’s not broken. If something works for you keep doing it! Make a list of things/conditions that make you happy. If you move, find those positive elements on your list in another environment.

When looking at a new school or company ask the current dancers about the overall environment

This is why I prefer to audition during company class. You get a feel of what every day in the studio is going to be like with that company. You can talk with dancers and honestly ask them what they like or don’t like about dancing in that company.

Granted, few will admit all of the negatives, but you will get at least one honest response. If I know someone at the company I’m interested in auditioning for, I send them a Facebook message to ask what their experience has been thus far.

Talk with the people that have a negative influence on your well-being

Find a way to talk to the friend, teacher, parent, or relative that has a negative impact on your health. Ask your family to serve more healthy options at meals if you feel that you are not fueling your body correctly.

Talk to friends about how body shaming impacts everyone negatively. Don’t attack your supports. Simply express why this bothers you and offer options for a positive change.

Clean out your social media

Social media can sometimes become a vacuum of “thinspirations”, bashing, and overall negative attitude. Clean out your social media of the negative people in your feed. You don’t need to see that person who constantly complains about their body or their current work situation. Unfollow the people that encourage unhealthy behaviors.

Start every day on the right note

Everyone has different ways to start their days. One way I start the day the positive way is my daily inspirational quote. For my birthday on year a friend gave me 365 inspirational quotes. I saved my favorites and have them pinned around my room, which I can see as I get ready in the morning.

There are apps/email services that can send you a quote each day. Insightoftheday.com is great for offering daily motivational, inspirational, and life quotes via email.

When I was dancing at BalletFleming, a few of us would create custom positive quotes for each of the dancers each week. We had fun with it and made themes for each week including: song lyrics, movie quotes, Chinese proverbs, even Disney character quotes. It’s a fun exercise that bonded the company together and gave inspiration for tough rehearsal days.

Understand that life is a journey and there is no right answer

On New Years Day 2017 I read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. It’s a story of a boy that travels the world finding his purpose. He stopped many different places and learned something different in each place.

I took this parable to heart. It made me realize that there’s nothing wrong with continuously searching for what works for you and what makes you you as a dancer and a person. That could mean changing teachers, school, or company. There is no set correct answer of how to reach your goal, it’s different for everyone.

**If you’ve been dragged down in past years because you’ve struggled to reach your body goals, join The Dancer’s Best Body Program in early 2018 – Add your name to the VIP wait list for Bonuses, Savings and Early Enrollment deals**

The post To dance your very best, make these shifts in 2018 appeared first on The Whole Dancer.